Feelings

According to the Myers-Briggs test, I am an ISTJ.

                Introverted.

                                   Sensing.
                     
                                                 Thinking.

                                                                Judging.

Other than the introverted/extroverted comparison, I am just about 70/30 for the other three traits. I am realistic, fact-oriented, perfectionistic, schedule-loving, detailed, focused, neat, orderly, practical, routinized, literal, and deliberate. I do not feel a lot or at least focus on my  feelings very often, a fact I have really struggled with few years now. I feel like I am missing part of who God created me to be!

Because I am aware of this deficiency in my life, I can watch for changes in my psyche and in my reactions to life. When I start to feel numb or covered in a cloud, I know God is trying to get my attention.

This weekend was a dark weekend. I received personality questionnaires and surveys for team formation for next year. I really struggled with my focus and my outlook on myself and on life.  God broke me this weekend.

It is not healthy to swing to such extremes of either darkness and numbness or joy and elation; we are created for balance. Praise God, though, for His ever-present hand in our lives. It took some very dark moments to shake me and bring me back to Him. Thank you, Lord, for the reminders to never simply go through the motions of a relationship with you and a relationship with others. We are NOT created for that! We are created for intimate, personal relationships. We are created to feel.

Lord, thank you for the kick in the pants. Thank you for reminding me to feel, to seek you, and to commune with you. I am not designed to do this life on my own...EVER! I may think I can handle this life on my own, but without you I am nothing. You are my God and I am created to serve, love, and worship you, to be in a relationship with you. I love you, my God and my King!

I love looking at the circumstances surrounding this dark weekend to see everything God brought into my path to lead me to a breaking point...and then to look and see what else He put in my path to lead me out of it into a stronger relationship with Him. Praise God for His mighty hand at work in my life and those around me!

My great uncle has cancer and has been battling it for a few years now. It has now spread throughout his entire body, including his brain. This puts many people in my life at the extreme opposite of my norm; they can do nothing but feel extreme emotions. My grandma cannot stop the flow of tears, my aunt is so broken, many family members are confused...but in the midst of all this is my parents. God is using this time of extreme emotion to drive my unbelieving family members to Him. Again, I cannot help but marvel at the hand of God at work.

God causes all things to work together for good  for those who love Him and are called to His purpose (Romans 8:28). My grandparents and extended family on my dad's side may not be believers, but God has a purpose in all of this and is leading them towards Him. My mom's health may be doing wacky things, but God is good! My sixth graders may be so self-centered that they are willing to hurt their friends for their own benefit, but God has a plan. My future team for Turkey may be ready for adventure, but God will challenge us in extreme ways for His glory. God is in control!! We may not understand our feelings or our all-consuming thoughts, but God knows.

God knows, a fact I am thankful for every day of my life!!